4 things that annoy me about the beach

#4. Fat men wearing Speedos.
There’s just something that’s so inherently wrong with these men. First off, Speedos are NOT currently in style, so that’s not a reasonable excuse. And don’t give me lip and say that they’re in stylish in Europe, because the last time I checked, we separated from those bitches over 200 years ago. Second, since when did it become okay to wear things that are too small? The ladies who shop at Torrid don’t go around wearing Abercrombie Kids, do they? Why do these fat old men think they can get away with wearing a Speedo? And face it… it’s a Speedo. That’s wrong. Next time these fat amoebic messes try to fit into something that looks like it came from Baby Gap, I’m gonna accidentally throw my frisbee and see if I can give them a concussion.

#3. Vendors at the beach who block your sun and don’t speak English
Look, I’m all for making a living on your own and using your craft to earn some cash, but NO I WILL NOT BUY THAT BRACELET/FANNY PACK/SOMBRERO/NOVELTY T/BOOGIE BOARD/KNOCK-OFF SUNGLASSES/FORGED BIRTH CERTIFICATE. Now get the fuck out of my sun and let me bake.

#2. Sandy feet
There’s really nothing insanely wrong with them, but I hate when you feel all dry and crusty after you went in the water and step on the sand. But see, I don’t mind it that much on me — it’s when INSANE 4 year old toddlers shower your towel with sand while they’re running past you that pisses me off.

#1. Changing your baby’s diaper at the beach
If I have to see another shit-filled baby diaper being changed next to me while I’m trying to get the sand off of my water bottle cap, I’m gonna vomit. Babies should NOT be changed on the beach, and their diapers should NOT be thrown out in a normal trash bin with half-eaten ice cream sandwiches and potato chip wrappers. Don’t dangle your shitty diaper next to me and let your diaperless, still-shitty baby run around next to me. I love kids, but NO I’m not down for that that.

11 things i miss about childhood

#11. Don’t Wake Daddy
Remember this game? Oh man. I don’t think anything else got kids so close to having a heart attack as this game did. And when Daddy woke up, man oh man… you screamed.

#10. Nick Arcade!
Probably one of the best television game shows of all time. “Legends of the Hidden Temple” and “Double Dare” were also contenders, but for years I actually thought they could insert kids into video games somehow. When I finally figured out that this was not, in fact, possible, I died a little, but it’s okay, because I still think this show is bomb.

#9. The Logical Journey of the Zoombinis
Computer Lab was the BEST day of elementary school every week. When you got to go to the computer lab and play this and Carmen San Diego, it was like the best day ever. Unfortunately I bought this game for home and then lost it, and to this day it’s one of the most tragic I-can’t-believe-I-lost-my… items of my life. So upsetting. Those little bitches were amazing.

#8. The TGIF Line-Up
Boy Meets World, Step By Step, Family Matters, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Full House… those were THE days. When people actually watched TV on Friday nights instead of hung out all sleazy-like at the mall.

#7. Hungry Hungry Hippos
I’ll be honest, I don’t even know if I owned this game. But damn… it’s so colorful.

#6. Garfield Fruit Snacks
Ok, NOBODY ever knows what these are, and so if you do, PLEASE let me know because I swear, I’m not crazy. These were by far the best fruit snacks that money could buy. Not only was each pouch completely packed with them, but they were huge, and they had long stringy bits that you could bite off and chew. And they tasted absolutely incredible. Easily my favorite fruit snack of all time.

#5. Pogs
And then there were those big Slammers that weighed, like, 10 pounds each? Ah, pogs. Pogs were the shit. And they came in those big plastic see-through (sometimes) tubes, and you carried them with you everywhere, just in case somebody wanted to challenge you, you know? Pogs were life… although one thing I still don’t remember is actually buying pogs. For some reason I just always had them, and they were random as hell… but I really never remembered actually purchasing any. Shoplifting? I don’t know. I really don’t remember.

#4. Dinosaurs
One of my favorite shows, and when I found it on DVD a year or two ago, I was amazed. I legit wanted to be a dinosaur because of this show. (No, for the record, I was not an idiot when I was a kid. I just really wanted to be a lot of things, including a dinosaur and inside a video game.)

#3. Mondo
Amazing juice drink, but nothing compared to…

#2. Squeez-It
The BEST juice drink ever. And they had this promotion where you could put little tablets in your drink and shake it up and it would change colors and flavors. I used to be able to down three, four Squeez-Its after a little league game or a basketball tournament. And you always got mad if you didn’t get the face or flavor you wanted. Ahhhh.

#1. One Saturday Morning
I don’t think there’s one person my age who didn’t wake up on Saturday mornings to watch this line-up. It was killer. Recess, Pepper Ann, Doug, Buzz Lightyear of Star Command, Sabrina the Animated Series (those last two were a little later). But man. Recess. Incredible. I wanted to be a Digger so bad…

Happy Birthday Johnny!!!

Happy 72ND birthday little buddy! It must be nice to be so young!

Enjoy it! Who knows if you’ll even pull through to your next one!?

tool time

BAD CHOICE, GRANDPA!

Did you know that Sarah Palin is a LIFETIME member of the NRA? And she doesn’t support abortion? Bring on the guns and the babies! What a combo!

McCain’s campaign obviously doesn’t realize that the American public is wary of his old age (I think he used to go out with Susan B. Anthony, and went to prom with Clara Barton, actually). That said, people don’t want him in office because he MIGHT DIE. And this is what we get in office if his heart gives out or Dick Cheney shoots him?

Bad idea, gramps. Bad idea.

5 people who bug me

#1. Kim Kardashian
This bitch is just way overrated for doing absolutely nothing. She had a sex tape, and like, that was it. Who the fuck does she think she is? Pointless, talentless, and really buggy. She bugs me this week because she just got cast on the next season of Dancing With The Stars, and thus I have no desire to hear her talking about how she was so surprised to be cast, because the bitch PUBLICLY ASKED TO BE CAST. Skank.

#2. Demi Lovato
I hate her name. It’s ugly as fuck. And the only reason she’s popular is cause Miley was going down the drain, but now she’s back up again and this Demi bitch is still hanging around. Get a real name. Ugh. You ugly bitch.

#3. George W. Bush
My main man Georgie. I bet you can guess why I don’t like him. COME HOME MELANIE AND LISA.

#4. Samantha Ronson
Ew.

#5. John McCain
I DO NOT VOTE FOR THE ELDERLY. I bet you know why McCain bugs me this week, too. Can’t wait to see him at the RNC! Asshole. Go get a wheelchair.

dos mas semanas

Today was my last day of being employed in the state of California.

I’m DONEEEEE.

Now the Evanston countdown starts and I’ve got two weeks to fuck around and do nothing. I think by the time I figure out what to do with myself, the two weeks will be over.

by the way, Barack Obama, have my babies.

am i a miracle worker?

These are the five most recent Bumper Stickers I received on Facebook:

Clearly something is very wrong here.

At The Dentist

Just got back from the dentist… my gums bled more than a Quentin Tarantino movie.

The girl working my pearly whites actually SLIPPED and cut my gum. Like, she legitimately SLIPPED.

Are you KIDDING me?

I’m just sitting there, staring up at nothing (because when you’re at the dentist, there’s absolutely nothing to stare at. You start counting the tiles in the ceiling and thinking about how hungry you are because you didn’t eat before the dentist, and how you don’t want to eat after because you don’t want to ruin your newly-cleaned teeth.) Anyway, I’m just sitting there and suddenly I feel this, like, burning pain and see blood just gushing from my bottom gum.

And you know what this bitch said? She says “Oops” and starts to Q-tip my mouth. Like a Q-tip is gonna absorb all the blood that’s pouring out because you were 2nd in your class at dental school and thus are not a dentist, but a dental assistant.

And now I’m sore, and I’m still really hungry, and damn, I’m still bleeding a little. Ugh. Who likes the dentist? Not me. Never me.