5 celebrity babies who will rule the world

#5. Violet Affleck
Parents: Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck
Look at little Violet Affleck swinging from the jungle gym. And LOOK at the hat that this little diva is rocking. Violet wears what she wants, when she wants, and wherever she wants (like when she wore this.). She’s gonna be some world-famous fashion designer one day, with a line of animal coats for all the babies of the world. Little fashionista is gonna be fierce.

#4. Kingston Rossdale
Parents: Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale
Kingston already has the name of a rock superstar, but if you’ve seen pictures of the kid, he’s also got the connections. And the demeanor. He walks around NYC with this scowl on his face that tells the world he’s gonna make it big in music, whether or not he has talent, because he had long hair as a baby. And any baby with long rocker hair is without a doubt going to make it in this world. Plus, it doesn’t hurt that his parents are musicians, too.

#3. Suri Cruise
Parents: Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise
I’m thinking little Suri here is going to grow up to rule the world of modeling. The fact that’s she’s one of the most glamorous and stylish celeb babies just solidifies this. She’s on her way up in the world, as long as she doesn’t pull a Miley along the way. Or, as long as Tom Cruise doesn’t eat her or offer her as a human sacrifice. I don’t know, I’m just sayin…

#2. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
Parents: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt
WOW. Shiloh Nouveau Jolie-Pitt is by far the most self-aware diva baby that I’ve ever seen. Look at her lips. The little bitch KNOWS what pouting is, and she does it every time there’s a camera around. She’s got to be aware that she’s the queen bee of the nursery, because how else would she strut around with the demeanor that she’s got? Easily the best looking baby in Hollywood right now… and without a doubt, she will one day RULE this world. She might even be bigger than Dakota Fanning was in her pre-awkward-blossom years.

#1. Cruz Beckham
Parents: Victoria Beckham and David Beckham
The only reason I put little Cruz Beckham ahead of Shiloh is because he took that picture. He literally flipped off the cameras. If that doesn’t say fierce, I don’t know what does. And with a mother who’s got arguably one of the biggest attitudes (aesthetically, at least), why shouldn’t he start stretching those anti-paparazzi chops?

4 things that annoy me about the beach

#4. Fat men wearing Speedos.
There’s just something that’s so inherently wrong with these men. First off, Speedos are NOT currently in style, so that’s not a reasonable excuse. And don’t give me lip and say that they’re in stylish in Europe, because the last time I checked, we separated from those bitches over 200 years ago. Second, since when did it become okay to wear things that are too small? The ladies who shop at Torrid don’t go around wearing Abercrombie Kids, do they? Why do these fat old men think they can get away with wearing a Speedo? And face it… it’s a Speedo. That’s wrong. Next time these fat amoebic messes try to fit into something that looks like it came from Baby Gap, I’m gonna accidentally throw my frisbee and see if I can give them a concussion.

#3. Vendors at the beach who block your sun and don’t speak English
Look, I’m all for making a living on your own and using your craft to earn some cash, but NO I WILL NOT BUY THAT BRACELET/FANNY PACK/SOMBRERO/NOVELTY T/BOOGIE BOARD/KNOCK-OFF SUNGLASSES/FORGED BIRTH CERTIFICATE. Now get the fuck out of my sun and let me bake.

#2. Sandy feet
There’s really nothing insanely wrong with them, but I hate when you feel all dry and crusty after you went in the water and step on the sand. But see, I don’t mind it that much on me — it’s when INSANE 4 year old toddlers shower your towel with sand while they’re running past you that pisses me off.

#1. Changing your baby’s diaper at the beach
If I have to see another shit-filled baby diaper being changed next to me while I’m trying to get the sand off of my water bottle cap, I’m gonna vomit. Babies should NOT be changed on the beach, and their diapers should NOT be thrown out in a normal trash bin with half-eaten ice cream sandwiches and potato chip wrappers. Don’t dangle your shitty diaper next to me and let your diaperless, still-shitty baby run around next to me. I love kids, but NO I’m not down for that that.