5 people who bug me

#5. Star Jones

Poor Star is just a big ol’ piece of work, and she continues to pick fights with her View ladies.  You might wonder why I used a picture of Star from her Aunt Jemima days.  Frankly, that’s just how this big boulder of love is going to remain in my mind, no matter how much she gets sucked out.

#4. Somalian Pirates

Since the only pirates I like are in the Caribbean, then there’s really nothing admirable about the asses who hijacked a U.S. ship a few weeks ago.  Give the boat back, boys, and go back to your own country and wait for VH1 to call you with a reality show deal.

#3. Gwen Ifill

As much as I love Obama and his supporters, I feel like Gwen Ifill should have just given up her spot as moderator of the VP debate a few weeks ago.  I would rather have seen her just gracefully relinquish this position so that the Republicans wouldn’t be able to put even an ounce of blame on her if Biden won the debate [which, frankly, he did, but he didn't do it with shine -- it was more like having a push-up contest against a double amputee (you choose the limbs)].  I’m happy that my Republican friends didn’t cite Ifill’s pro-Obamaness as bias towards Biden, but even so… shame on Gwen Ifill for even accepting the position in the first place.

#2. Lauren Conrad

YOUR SHOW IS FAKE.  That is all.

#1. Steve Jobs

Come ON, Steve Jobs!  Are you <a href=”http://www.apple.com/macbook/”>KIDDING</a> me??  I feel like the stupidest decision a person can make nowadays is buying an Apple product, because no matter when you purchase it, it will only be a matter of moments before the next big update of the product is released.  It’s been like this consistently for years, and quite frankly it just pisses me off.  Steve Jobs, you do not know the common American.  You do not understand our thought process and the way we like to live our lives.  You do not know who we are, what we want, or how pissed we get when you do something wrong.  Why, Steve Jobs, I believe you can be the next Republican presidential candidate!

5 celebrity babies who will rule the world

#5. Violet Affleck
Parents: Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck
Look at little Violet Affleck swinging from the jungle gym. And LOOK at the hat that this little diva is rocking. Violet wears what she wants, when she wants, and wherever she wants (like when she wore this.). She’s gonna be some world-famous fashion designer one day, with a line of animal coats for all the babies of the world. Little fashionista is gonna be fierce.

#4. Kingston Rossdale
Parents: Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale
Kingston already has the name of a rock superstar, but if you’ve seen pictures of the kid, he’s also got the connections. And the demeanor. He walks around NYC with this scowl on his face that tells the world he’s gonna make it big in music, whether or not he has talent, because he had long hair as a baby. And any baby with long rocker hair is without a doubt going to make it in this world. Plus, it doesn’t hurt that his parents are musicians, too.

#3. Suri Cruise
Parents: Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise
I’m thinking little Suri here is going to grow up to rule the world of modeling. The fact that’s she’s one of the most glamorous and stylish celeb babies just solidifies this. She’s on her way up in the world, as long as she doesn’t pull a Miley along the way. Or, as long as Tom Cruise doesn’t eat her or offer her as a human sacrifice. I don’t know, I’m just sayin…

#2. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
Parents: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt
WOW. Shiloh Nouveau Jolie-Pitt is by far the most self-aware diva baby that I’ve ever seen. Look at her lips. The little bitch KNOWS what pouting is, and she does it every time there’s a camera around. She’s got to be aware that she’s the queen bee of the nursery, because how else would she strut around with the demeanor that she’s got? Easily the best looking baby in Hollywood right now… and without a doubt, she will one day RULE this world. She might even be bigger than Dakota Fanning was in her pre-awkward-blossom years.

#1. Cruz Beckham
Parents: Victoria Beckham and David Beckham
The only reason I put little Cruz Beckham ahead of Shiloh is because he took that picture. He literally flipped off the cameras. If that doesn’t say fierce, I don’t know what does. And with a mother who’s got arguably one of the biggest attitudes (aesthetically, at least), why shouldn’t he start stretching those anti-paparazzi chops?

5 people who bug me

#5. Eddie Murphy
Are you there, God? It’s me, Eddie Murphy. Please, send me the sense to make some good career choices. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me anymore, honestly. I can’t decide if I’m doing kids’ movies (which, by the way, the kids don’t even see), or if I’m going for the adult comedies (which, by the way, the adults don’t even see). Why does his Heavenly Body tease me so, with a semi-comeback with “Dreamgirls?” Why did I give up the momentum that came from that movie? Why am I such an idiot lately, and why did I lose the respect of so many people? Please send me a good script, and I promise I’ll consider it before taking the option to executive produce “Norbit 2.” Amen.

#4. Stephen King
I don’t know if anyone’s read his column in Entertainment Weekly but Stephen King has the ugliest mug to put on a column each week. I don’t know why he writes a column for EW, because honestly, there’s nothing about his pop culture analysis that makes me like him. Plus, he’s Stephen King. I really don’t care what he has to say. He brought “It” into my life, and for that, I will never forgive him.

#3. Cindy McCain
Her outfit at the RNC on Tuesday cost about $300,000, according to my boy Perez. There’s just something about her that screams, “I’m married to a septuagenarian, can’t you guess?” I do NOT want my First Lady wearing something that costs more than a modest house, nor do I want someone who looks like Cruella de Vil. Poor girl. It’s like she’s a 53-year-old trapped in a 54-year-old’s body.

#2. Chris Matthews
Hey, I’ve always liked Chris Matthews. I really have. But the other day I turned on Hardball and no more than 15 seconds after he and Pat Buchanan exchanged friendly greetings did Matthews immediately start lashing out at Buchanan, giving the poor old man 30 seconds of trash before allowing him to utter out an answer. Matthews started out as a great political watchdog, but now he’s just as obnoxious as Larry King… he knows he’s got the reputation, and now he’s just annoyingly vicious, as if that’s what’s expected of him. You bug me this week, Chris Matthews.

#1. Sarah Palin
I suppose it’s to nobody’s surprise that Sarah Palin takes the number one spot this week. After all, it was a mere 7 days ago that I first heard her name, and what great friends we’ve become since! Gosh, she’s such a darn great girl. And so pretty, too, for a hockey mom, that is! You know what they say about hockey moms! The only difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull is lipstick! What an absolutely absurd and hilarious wit! Gosh, she’s so great.

You all bug the hell out of me this week. We’ll see who shows up on the list again next Friday… I’m looking at you, hockey mom.

the only reason I like diddy

Yes, Diddy, I’m SURE they have some black people in Alaska.

And THIS is what I want to show EVERY SINGLE DUMBASS VOTING FOR MCCAIN.

Thank you Nicky.

5 people who bug me

#1. Kim Kardashian
This bitch is just way overrated for doing absolutely nothing. She had a sex tape, and like, that was it. Who the fuck does she think she is? Pointless, talentless, and really buggy. She bugs me this week because she just got cast on the next season of Dancing With The Stars, and thus I have no desire to hear her talking about how she was so surprised to be cast, because the bitch PUBLICLY ASKED TO BE CAST. Skank.

#2. Demi Lovato
I hate her name. It’s ugly as fuck. And the only reason she’s popular is cause Miley was going down the drain, but now she’s back up again and this Demi bitch is still hanging around. Get a real name. Ugh. You ugly bitch.

#3. George W. Bush
My main man Georgie. I bet you can guess why I don’t like him. COME HOME MELANIE AND LISA.

#4. Samantha Ronson
Ew.

#5. John McCain
I DO NOT VOTE FOR THE ELDERLY. I bet you know why McCain bugs me this week, too. Can’t wait to see him at the RNC! Asshole. Go get a wheelchair.