5 tv theme songs i miss

#1. Step By Step
I still don’t know who that brassy black woman is who starts riffing in the middle (I assume she’s a brassy black woman, or a hoarse white bitch trying to sound soulful), but I love this theme song. Very nostalgic. And that roller coaster at the end? NOT REAL. Well, the roller coaster is real — it’s called Colossus and it’s at Six Flags Magic Mountain here in LA — but that shit is not next to an OCEAN, contrary to what 90′s green-screen technology may say.

#2. Saved By The Bell
I’m gonna be honest here… I didn’t understand the meaning of the title of this show for years. And I also didn’t really hear one lyric until I was about 14. Hahaha. Honesty. It’s brutal.

#3. Salute Your Shorts
DONKEYLIPS!!! How could you NOT love this!? When I went to camp as a kid, I always wished we would have some kind of fun song like this. But no. I had to go to nice sleepaway Jewish camp, where you sang the Israeli national anthem before you went to bed. Hooray.

(Also, this video is kind of screwed up… some guy edited himself into it… seriously, YouTube gets weirder and weirder every damn day.)

#4. Recess
Not all great theme songs have lyrics and voices and brassy black singers. This is a prime example of the true power of music. Raise your hand if the stereotypes of that show have followed you around throughout high school and beyond. I, for one, know way too many Randalls for my own good.

#5. Where In Time Is Carmen Sandiego?
This is probably the most exposure I’ve had to “African beats” in my lifetime. Catchy, yes. Not the most memorable theme song, but I’m still a fan. And seriously, where the fuck IS Carmen Sandiego? She probably ended up like the old bitch from “The Notebook.”

11 things i miss about childhood

#11. Don’t Wake Daddy
Remember this game? Oh man. I don’t think anything else got kids so close to having a heart attack as this game did. And when Daddy woke up, man oh man… you screamed.

#10. Nick Arcade!
Probably one of the best television game shows of all time. “Legends of the Hidden Temple” and “Double Dare” were also contenders, but for years I actually thought they could insert kids into video games somehow. When I finally figured out that this was not, in fact, possible, I died a little, but it’s okay, because I still think this show is bomb.

#9. The Logical Journey of the Zoombinis
Computer Lab was the BEST day of elementary school every week. When you got to go to the computer lab and play this and Carmen San Diego, it was like the best day ever. Unfortunately I bought this game for home and then lost it, and to this day it’s one of the most tragic I-can’t-believe-I-lost-my… items of my life. So upsetting. Those little bitches were amazing.

#8. The TGIF Line-Up
Boy Meets World, Step By Step, Family Matters, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Full House… those were THE days. When people actually watched TV on Friday nights instead of hung out all sleazy-like at the mall.

#7. Hungry Hungry Hippos
I’ll be honest, I don’t even know if I owned this game. But damn… it’s so colorful.

#6. Garfield Fruit Snacks
Ok, NOBODY ever knows what these are, and so if you do, PLEASE let me know because I swear, I’m not crazy. These were by far the best fruit snacks that money could buy. Not only was each pouch completely packed with them, but they were huge, and they had long stringy bits that you could bite off and chew. And they tasted absolutely incredible. Easily my favorite fruit snack of all time.

#5. Pogs
And then there were those big Slammers that weighed, like, 10 pounds each? Ah, pogs. Pogs were the shit. And they came in those big plastic see-through (sometimes) tubes, and you carried them with you everywhere, just in case somebody wanted to challenge you, you know? Pogs were life… although one thing I still don’t remember is actually buying pogs. For some reason I just always had them, and they were random as hell… but I really never remembered actually purchasing any. Shoplifting? I don’t know. I really don’t remember.

#4. Dinosaurs
One of my favorite shows, and when I found it on DVD a year or two ago, I was amazed. I legit wanted to be a dinosaur because of this show. (No, for the record, I was not an idiot when I was a kid. I just really wanted to be a lot of things, including a dinosaur and inside a video game.)

#3. Mondo
Amazing juice drink, but nothing compared to…

#2. Squeez-It
The BEST juice drink ever. And they had this promotion where you could put little tablets in your drink and shake it up and it would change colors and flavors. I used to be able to down three, four Squeez-Its after a little league game or a basketball tournament. And you always got mad if you didn’t get the face or flavor you wanted. Ahhhh.

#1. One Saturday Morning
I don’t think there’s one person my age who didn’t wake up on Saturday mornings to watch this line-up. It was killer. Recess, Pepper Ann, Doug, Buzz Lightyear of Star Command, Sabrina the Animated Series (those last two were a little later). But man. Recess. Incredible. I wanted to be a Digger so bad…